She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
