Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
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