Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
