I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
