hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
