the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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