I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
