After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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