Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
