her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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