i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
