The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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