So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
