and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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