I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
