i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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