When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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