I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
