roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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