my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
