I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
