Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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