so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
