Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
