I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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