You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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