Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
