im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
