i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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