I am in a vortex of obligation.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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