i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
