i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
