im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Fuck appropriateness.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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