when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
