cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
