today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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