Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
