apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
