I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
