I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
