The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Little spoons don't ask big questions
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Randomize
