i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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