I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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