Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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