Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
