So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
