I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
