his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So squirting runs in the family.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
