I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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