i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
