And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
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