I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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